How is everyone today?
Well, I’m not doing so well, feeling low, got a poor result for my recent Uni assessment, and generally feeling awful.
In spite of all of this I feel loved, by my lovely husband.
No matter how you feel, or how your spouse is feeling, we need to support one another. I know, I know, sometimes it’s hard when their illness goes on and on, when they are unemployed, when they forget to support us, but be supportive regardless of how you feel and it will be returned.
“It’s been so long since we last talked.”
Do you think sometimes this is the case with your loved one?
I don’t mean “pass the salt”, “who’s picking the kids up from school?”.
I mean “how are you doing?”, “fine”. No. That’s not what I’m talking about.
How about this. “how are you really feeling? I see you’ve been so busy lately, running the kids around, working hard to pay the bills, striving to get that promotion, looking after your sick mother, and so much more. You seem tired, exhausted really, we don’t cuddle anymore, really cuddle, we only have that perfunctory kiss on the cheek as we pass each other on the way out or back in the house. When was the last time we made time for each other, made love, had a quiet meal alone, talked about each other, to each other?”
Sounds hard, sad even.
It’s not too late, never too late to hit the pause button for a moment and remember each other.
Pack the kids off to their bedrooms, turn off the tv and the phones, forget work, housework, it will all still be there in a couple of hours.
Light a candle, open a bottle of wine, turn on some quiet music and look at each other, maybe even hold hands.
Reminisce, remember when you first met, first dated, where you went, what you did, think about the things that you’ve laughed at, talk about your dreams, share your visions, make plans.
Above all, say this “I love you”.
Think for a moment for the need to live with a loyal mind, a loyal heart.
And what to be loyal to?
Of course there are others, but these are the primary ones.
What does loyalty mean?
Well, I looked up lots of dictionaries and this is what I came up with.
- To be true to someone or something, staying true to your values, especially as a wife to her husband, or husband to wife, friend to friend.
- Unswerving faithfulness to a cause, ideal, custom.
These days you get a loyalty card at every store you go into, for every cup of coffee, burger or lipgloss you buy, but really how loyal are you to that store? If a new store opens down the street or next door, you know you’ll check out the new flavour of the month.
I believe that loyalty is so much more than just a belief in something.
I believe that loyalty to your marriage is like being a fierce lioness protecting her cubs.
I believe that loyalty means never thinking about possibilities other than your own marriage.
I believe that loyalty is unwavering, unblinking, unflinching, resolute, steadfast, uncompromising, unbending, unyielding, never ending.
Some scriptures to consider.
Matthew 26:33-35 and 26:69-75
2 Chronicles 11:13-16
I’ve come to the conclusion that no one really knows what makes a marriage work.
It doesn’t mean I won’t continue to seek the truth.
One thing I know for sure is the answers are biblical.
It’s not about a flower…he love’s me, he love’s me not.
It’s not a fairytale…there’s not really a happily ever after, though there’s joy in the work, ever after.
It’s not just about the sex…though that’s a big, enjoyable part.
It’s not about having lot’s of stuff…”for one’s life does not consist in the abundance of the things he possesses.”Luke 12:15
It’s not about what you do…because only Jesus can do it all.
It’s not about what your spouse does…because only Jesus can do it all.
It’s not about you…it’s all about Him, Jesus.
So what’s the point? What is it all about?
Marriage is about joining together, becoming one flesh (Gen2:24/Matt19:5).
It can’t be that simple can it? Yes it really can.
When we join with another, we become one, simple, straight forward. It’s our sinful nature that wants to make it more than that.
Our eye wanders, thinks it can see something better, over the fence, in the next office cubicle, down at the local drinking place. Oh believe me I know I’ve been there.
Here it is…back we go again to the most quoted passage of the bible. 1Corinthians 13:4-8,13
There’s a good reason it’s so quoted. It’s good, even the non Christians love it, because even they know it’s true.
So what IS marriage?
It IS patient…verse 4
It IS kind…verse 4
It iS not jealous…verse 4
It does not brag and is not arrogant…verse 4
It does not not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered…verse 5
It does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth…verse 6
It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all thing…verse 7
But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love…Verse 13
So, I really missed our children on the weekend.
It was Mother’s Day.
Our oldest son Aaron, and his family live nearby, so we saw them, but our other son, Lincoln and his family live 1700km / 1000 miles away and our daughter, Kaija and herhusband live 840km / 520 miles away.
I get used to not seeing them, but celebration days aren’t what they once were.
Christmas was always noisy, fun-filled, outrageous (I wore the Santa suit), but mostly full of love. Birthdays have always been a time to really bless each other.
Mother’s Day and Father’s Day were always wonderful with hand drawn cards, necklaces made of pasta, gifts bought for $1, but so lovingly with their precious little hands.
So, I think about them all the time, but these occasions give me a moment to reflect, a moment to think about what we have done as parents.
When is the job complete?
What does the job require?
What did I do right?
When will I know I did the right thing?
There are no answers to these questions.
My husband and I did the best we could with what we knew.
We have three amazing kids. Not perfect kids. Their lives are not perfect. Who’s is?
We taught them what we knew, set them up to make their own decision, gave them vision, and when we ran out of everything else, we had oodles of love for them, still do.
They know, that they know, that they know, that they know, we will always love them.
I just read this quote from Ps Mark Kelsey:
“Discouragement left unattended becomes disillusionment which left unattended becomes deception.”
Woah…it stopped and made me really think. According to my source he was speaking at a staff meeting, but I saw how this applies so much to marriage.
How easily we can become discouraged.
By a word, by a deed, by a look.
Then we meditate on the word, the deed the look and we become disillusioned.
Before long we look outside to fulfil our needs and that’s where the deception begins.
I think the best thing would be not to get past the first stage. Don’t let that word, deed, look turn from discouragement into disillusionment. A quick, easy, cure to that is ask why, or what it meant.
It may not get you perfection, but we have to start somewhere don’t we?
If my husband says something I don’t like or understand, I don’t mediate on it (oh, yes, once upon a time I did), I ask him what he means by his words and actions.
I don’t always get the answer I want or need, but I do get an answer, and I know that he loves me, he has faults because, after all he is human, so I must forgive him and myself and grow from what I know.
Marriage doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful.
Marriage is a gift.
A gift from God.
And what a gift He gave us.
What an amazing thing, to have one person to trust with our heart.
What a wonderful thing to spend our days and nights with someone who, over time will learn to understand us, and who we will learn to understand.
A person to have and to hold.
I love that part of our wedding vows, “to have and to hold”.
What does this mean?
“To have and to hold.”
I think it means we hold one another’s heart.
“To have and to hold.”
We have each others trust.
“To have and to hold.”
We have the hopes and dreams of two people becoming one.
“To have and to hold.”
No, it doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful, we “have” each other to “hold”.
None of us are perfectly compatible.
Marriage in itself requires compromise. It’s all a learning process, a place where each of us can grow and learn to be better in every way.
Marriage is a long highway with many highs and lows, possible turns, where it looks like the sun may be shining brighter, but stay on your road and it gets clearer, brighter and easier as you continue along the road.
Marriage is 24/7. There aren’t any holidays, but there can be lots of fun. Learn to laugh together. See the funny side of life.
Marriage should be entered into with eyes wide opened, knowing that the honeymoon doesn’t last forever, but the love can if you make the decision to keep it that way.
Marriage really is two becoming one.