I hate it when we argue. There is no value and it makes me feel very small. The trouble with arguing, someone wins and someone loses, and why? If it’s not life threatening, and the one you’re arguing with is more knowledgable, then why argue at all.
I’m rather fond of the saying “Fight the fights worth fighting”, I think I first heard this saying was in the movie The American President, with Michael Douglas, and all of these years later I remember.
The truth is, at the end of the day, there really isn’t anything so important that it’s worth fighting over.
A cursory amount of research tells, that in a marriage, we fight most over money and sex. I could probably add a lot more to this, but we’ll stick with the top ones.
As far as the money goes, the only thing that really works is to make joint decisions and a budget. For a long time we’ve had a kind of agreement, that when either of us is spending over $200 we will discuss. For you and your spouse this may be $50 or $1,000, but come to an agreement. In my observation, there is usually one that is better with money than the other, better at keeping tighter reigns, the other, I’ve noticed, it is the other one that likes everything to be beautiful. You have to find a balance, a way you can both work with, and be happy with. If somewhere down the track you become unhappy, renegotiate.
Now to sex. I don’t really know the answers, but I do know this. Over time each of us has a sex drive that changes, our libidos change with stress, changes in hormones, i.e. menopause, or just being flat out tired. A bit like the money situation, sometimes it just needs to be negotiated. It’s ok to ask for sex, and it’s ok to say no. It’s not ok to force sex on anyone, ever. If it’s a real mess, talk to your doctor, but first and foremost talk to each other. Remember this “Men need sex to feel loved, and women need love to want sex”. This may not apply to everyone, but I think it rings pretty true to most people.
I hope this helps, even in some little way.
The Marriage Files 