Marriage Magic?

It’s bad news. There’s no such thing.

Certainly you can meet someone and fall in love, my husband fell in love with me through a door, when he heard me sing, my Dad saw my Mum from across the street and said “I’m going to marry that woman”.

Right then might feel like magic, and those first day, weeks or even months might feel like magic, but it’s what happens next, in the years to come that create a long lasting marriage with lifelong love.

You have to make the magic happen and unfortunately this story doesn’t come with a magical Oz behind the curtain making it all happen, but then how did that work out? It was all lies and deception. Am I getting your attention?

When we get a new car we wash it all the time, have the routine services, as time goes on and a little scratch turns up here and there (those supermarket trolleys are the worse), and we care for it a little less with each advancing year BUT we do fill it up with petrol, and we do continue those routine services, because without these we’d be going nowhere, and that’s the same with marriage.

Once the bouquet has been thrown, and you’ve been on the honeymoon, you have to unpack the bags and do the washing, now that’s the first scratch on the car. Who is going to do this task?

And so it goes on.

Who cooks?

Who cleans?

Who does the grocery shopping?

Who pays the bills?

Who does the gutters?

Who makes the big decisions? Actually you have to work out how to do this one together.

Who puts out the bin?

Who is going to take the kids to school?

Who, who, who or is that whom?

“In this day of liberation” as the song goes, it can’t be assumed that these are male or female chores anymore, so we have to figure out what works in our homes, for better or worse.

In all relationships compromises must be made, but you have to figure out which things you’re happy to compromise on and which ones you can’t, and even then, sometimes you just might have to back down.

Some will say they do all of these things together, good luck to them, I’m absolutely certain in my observations that this is not true. We still tend to go toward the traditional roles, but why? There is no need to continue in this way, do what works for you.

Argue kindly, be true to yourself, be vulnerable, be real, don’t point the finger, don’t be accusing, remember why you love in the first place.

Then through the years and the trouble and the toil, you’ll find your own kind of magic.

It’s simply called love.

 

 

It’s not always easy, but never too hard

“It’s not always easy, but never too hard”, that’s a lyric from a song I wrote years ago, and for some reason it’s been spinning around in my head for the last few days. The original song is about family, friends and life in general, but let’s see how to apply it to marriage.

 

Clearly, it’s not always easy. Gosh there are a million country songs written about ‘ me wife done burnt the dinner” or how “me husband drunk too much whiskey”. Thankfully, these are not my experience, mainly because my husband doesn’t drink whiskey, actually he drinks very little at all, and it’s been a while since I burnt dinner, but like any couple we have our difficulties. I mean seriously, why can’t you put the bowl in the dishwasher rather than the sink, it’s simple geography. On the whole they’re pretty small things, but it’s the small things that drive you crazy, get under your skin and blow up into big things. Really big things, and that’s where the anger turns from an underlying hum to a full blown volcano.

 

I’ve been there. I’ve done. Don’t think for a minute we got to 37 years without a few major blowouts.

 

The trouble is, when it gets to the stage of being a blowout, and you say, or even worse yell and scream, all the things you’ve kept inside, you say things you can’t take back. It’s incredibly easy to be so fired up in the moment that losing control almost seems inevitable.

 

I’ve been there too.

 

So what’s the answer? Who knows? I don’t have all of the answers, in fact I have very few and some have taken me a long time to figure out. For example if I want something done around the house or garden that I can’t (or won’t) do myself, there is no point saying “can you cut back the trees?”, no, my husband works better when he has an idea of a deadline otherwise it sits in the back of his mind until I’ve asked 10 times and then I become the very nagging wife I loathe. So, now when I want those trees cut back I say “Do you think you could please cut back the trees this weekend?” Now, here’s the thing, I’m still asking which gives him permission to say no, but I’ve given him an idea of my expectations. Most of the time he will do the chores I ask for, occasionally, he will say “Can it wait till next weeK”, well of course, now we have agreement and all is good.

 

That’s where the “never too hard” part of my lyric comes in, at least for me. You see once you figure out some of these roadblocks you can overcome them in simple ways. I found years ago that saying things like “can you just chuck your laundry in that basket that would really help me?” were useful ways of asking for what I wanted.

 

Something else I feel compelled to share, we had 3 kids by the time I was 24 and my husband was 28, and it has taken us a lot of bumps in the road, both literal and metaphorical, to come this far. It’s possible to get through the dark, stormy days, without a storm, you’ll never see a rainbow.

 

One last thing…

No begging, no nagging, just loving kindness

Love

Dominique xoxo

Humility and the Love of a Good Man

I don’t write as much on the Marriage Files as much as I feel I should, or even as I would like to, mainly because I’ve been quite unwell and as a result typing is difficult, so I must get one of those voice recognition thingy’s…like that? That’s the technical name.

Anyway, enough about me I want to talk about us, well mainly him. Last year began a particularly bad year with my health (there I go again talking about me), and as I discussed in a previous post titled “In Sickness”, my husband has, not just stepped up, he’s run a marathon, and then some, like the 72 steps to the entrance of the Philadelphia Museum of Art, you know the ones? Rocky ran up, and cheered for himself when he got to the top. Well my husband never cheers for himself.

He never complains that he has to iron his own shirts.

He never complains that his lunches are made in bulk, all the same, and frozen.

He never complains that the vacuuming, dusting or let’s face it, any house work isn’t done.

He never complains (this is a big one) that he has to do the grocery shopping on the way home from a long day at work.

He never complains that he has to have a second job because I can’t even have one job.

He never complains that I only cook ever 2-3 weeks when I’m feeling okay and freeze a heap of meals, so he can have microwave dinners.

When I thank him, he just says “it’s my job and I love you so much”, why and how did I get so lucky?

The truth is, I don’t know. I do the best I can with what I can do. We laugh a lot, I do see the funny side of pretty much everything in life, and that keeps him amused. We live in our own little world these days. We see our kids and grandkids when we can, sadly it’s not often enough, but he says he’s happy to be at home with me.

This past year has shown me what true humility looks like, and it looks like my husband.

 

What’s Your Vision?

Do you even have one? When we got married I didn’t even know what vision was, I was barely thinking a day ahead. I knew I loved this guy, I felt butterflies in my tummy even when I thought about him, but looking ahead, having a plan, or a vision for our life, no, I did not. But as the years went on, and I…we…matured and got through some pretty tough times, a vision started to emerge. At the time I didn’t really know what it was, but as time went on I learnt what it was and how important it really was.

So what was the vision for us? It’s quite simple really, that we always talk, and that we always, always, always put us before everything and everyone else. I know it may sound selfish given that we have 3 children, but it’s imperative. Why? Because they eventually leave and we will be left with each other.

So here we are 2 weeks away from our 36^th wedding anniversary, the kids are all grown up and married themselves, and we are doing well, actually better than that, we’re doing great.

What’s your vision? Do you have a dream for your marriage? Maybe it’s time to have one. Don’t over complicate it, keep it simple.

The Study Groove

So it’s heads down into books for the two of us, for the next 3 months (I know crazy right?) Dean is back at Uni doing his masters in public administration, and I’m plodding along doing my fine art degree, though for the first time, I am going to do 2 subjects, including writing as an elective.
These times of study are really rather nice, hectic, yes, but we get into a groove and get our assignments and other work done, sharing each others newly acquired knowledge, as we go. We’ve been on this educational path for 5 years now, and we have both not only learned a lot, as you are supposed to, but also discovered strengths and weaknesses in each other that we hadn’t seen before, though in some cases things that have always been there, have just become magnified.

The thing about education is you think you’re going to learn that 1+1=2, but really what you learn is, that I am given to drawing a picture about the 1+1=2, whereas Dean is much more technical, and will give an explanation as to why it is so. And there it is. The differences are never ending. The good thing, for us anyway, is that this is interesting to us, and it’s, as they say “how we roll”. It’s taken time to get the groove, but we’ve got ours, have you got yours? Yours may be entirely different to ours, but I am sure everyone has a rhythm that suits them. I hope you find yours.

I Want What She’s Got…

Recently a friend of mine, never married, and the same age as me said “I want what you’ve got”. She was, of course referring to my marriage. Well who wouldn’t? Nearly 35 years of marriage, and it is good. So very good. But it did not happen overnight, or in a year, but rather took decades to get here.

Here’s the thing…you can’t have what we’ve got, without going through what we’ve been through to get here.

It’s taken 35 years of arguments, negotiations, sadness, figuring out who we are both as individuals and as a couple, let downs, faith, rebuilding (more than once), forgiveness, finding our rhythm, doing marriage in a way that suits us, and you just can’t get the good, wonderful kind of love, caring, warmth and companionship that we’ve found without going through a few rough patches.

So next time you look at someone who’s been married a long time, and think wow, I want that, just remember, it didn’t happen overnight.

Nobody gets to the top of a mountain without training, without a few broken ankles, a few bruises and battle scars, but it’s all worth it because the view from the top is breathtaking.

Now, here we stand, at the precipice of 35 years, and I’m just realising that we have so much more to learn, that we may indeed have seen the amazing view, but there is another road to travel, the next mountain awaits, there is always another mountain, with yet another amazing view, lessons to learn, more love to have, but always each other to hold on to.

Remember that cheesy hair shampoo commercial ?

“It may not happen over night, but it will happen.”

I hope this for each and every one of you.

Where Have All The Good Ones Gone?

I hear this question so often. I get “Well you’re lucky you married one of the good ones’ (I don’t know if anyone says that to him). Am I lucky? Really, is it luck? Is it destiny? Is there one great and perfect match for everyone?

I don’t think it’s any of these things. Not luck, destiny, the stars, no, no, no. I think you meet someone, you fall in love, and it all seems like magic. The “honeymoon” period, candlelight dinners, chocolate and roses. Then comes the diamond ring, and the engagement, well that’s fun, there are parties to have, dresses to buy, plans to make. The wedding day is full of beautiful memories, a dance with Dad, cutting the cake, toasting one another with yummy champagne, taking beautiful photos, oh it’s all so wonderful. Next the honeymoon, away in a nice hotel in a faraway place, cocktails on the beach, maybe camping, hiking, whatever floats your boat.

What happens next is where the reality hits. Paying off the wedding, saving for a house, having children, figuring out how to fit the in-laws in, and at some point you sit and you look at your other half and you think “Who is this person I married? What happened to my soul mate, the one I fell so desperately in love with?” Oh he, or she, is still there but somewhere along the line you forgot to tend to the marriage.

I don’t want to use platitudes, I don’t want to say it, but the truth is if we don’t look after our marriage it will indeed rot like an unloved garden.

If you’re still looking for “the one”, good hunting, have a list of what you would like in a spouse, it may sound silly, but writing down what you want can actually make it easier to see when you meet that person. I’m not talking about physical attributes, though that may be important to some, I’m talking about the things you like to do, places you like to go, how you like to spend your time. If he likes to go and see live bands and you’d rather stay home and watch a movie what makes you think that time will change things. I must add that I was not a fan of sport when we married, but one day I just decided to learn all about cricket so we could enjoy it together, and he has learned to love the arts as I do. Think about the things that are most important to you and find someone who likes them too, and really if you’re not a fan of live music, you’re probably not going to meet the right man or woman in a pub.

Maybe you’re engaged and the differences between you are starting to show, you need to think long and hard about whether or not these things will bother you next week or next year, because if they do then now is a good time to get that sorted out.

Already married and not “feeling” the love anymore? Have you asked yourself of he/she feels the same? Maybe your spouse isn’t “feeling” it either. Talk. Just talk. Don’t yell, don’t make accusations, don’t throw blame around, talk. Maybe you need to go into your corners and write a list. Keep it short, less than 10 things, any more would be too much for anyone to handle. Somehow you can find your common ground. You can fall in love again, you can find an even better love, a mature love, one of companionship and true sharing.

Just one last thing, if you’re really in trouble there are wonderful counselling services available. Get help. Don’t worry about what other people may think, it’s not their marriage, it’s yours, and I truly believe most marriages can be fixed if both parties agree to work it out.

See it really is true that you can decide to love someone, after all you were in love once before.

Psst…I have a secret…love changes, it evolves, it grows, and you can find it.

There are plenty of “good” ones out there, you just have to find yours.

 

Why Do Some Marriages Last When Others Don’t?

This has to be a question for the ages, and one I am completely incompetent to answer, but I do have a few clues.

Mine are just observations of people around me, so don’t take them as gospel.

The grass isn’t greener on the other side. I think one of the ones that is frequently overlooked because it’s not always obvious, but I think that we compare ourselves to others. That can be the beginning of the end for some. STOP looking at what others have, or APPEAR to have. Nobody knows the truth of what is going on behind closed doors, some people look like they have it all together, but the truth can be far from what we see. A glamorous house can hide messy cupboards, a couple who go out for dinner a lot may well fight over the messy kitchen, others may always have the latest car, the biggest house, all of the hottest electronics, but they fight about money. This is where you can say to yourself, no we don’t have a big house or a luxury car, but we also don’t have the money worries, now that is something to be thankful for.

Physical and emotional abuse is more often than not hidden behind closed doors, and we are frequently shocked to find out what has been going on. If you are in this situation GET OUT. There is help out there, do not be ashamed, ask, then don’t look back. Get counselling, get financial assistance, get everything you can, and get a new life.

The root of all evil is money. Actually this is NOT the right quote, it should be, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Sadly so often misquoted and misunderstood. Clearly if you love money more than anything else you have a problem, or maybe it’s your spouse, whoever the cause, money is an issue, and it often comes through a lack of contentment. Find a way to be content with what you have, start a gratitude journal (I did this and it changed my life, my perspective on everything in my life).

Berating, comparing, nagging, okay that’s 3 in 1, I’ve put them together because they are essentially the same thing. Start using kind, uplifting words, start looking at the good in the spouse or partner, stop, stop, stop nagging, there are 2 ways to say just about anything, use the kind way, and stop letting the little things bug you, I know it can be done because I did it. A cup left on the sink, or clothes on the floor are not the end of the world, and yelling to get them picked up is not going to work, pick them up, put them away, and when you’re in a good mood, just explain kindly that you would really appreciate it if these things could be done, it may take time but most people want to do the right thing.

Okay, that’s a lot for today, I hope my observations are helpful. Have a great day.

Blessed, Thankful, Grateful, That I’m A Mum

Yesterday was Mothers Day. My 34th actually. It was lovely, it’s always lovely. We went to church, mothers were celebrated and honoured (and we got yummy hand made cookies), I received lots of gifts from my husband (truly spoiled me) and my children, we had a bite to eat, and there were some beautiful sentiments on social media, that just blew my mind. I really am one blessed woman.

To be perfectly honest, I don’t think I’ve always been a great mother. Oh, I’ve always loved my kids completely, but I’ve struggled at times with being consistent, being emotionally available, or just getting stuff done. I’m not making excuses, but I was a very young mother, having my first born at 17, second at 19, and my lucky last at 24. I didn’t have parents who were readily available as they all worked full time, we had very little money, my husband travelled a lot for work (especially when the first 2 were babies), I didn’t drive, we didn’t even have a home phone, let alone all of the fancy electronics kids have now. I don’t feel hardly done by, it’s just the way it was, and I am truly amazed at the wonderful, caring human beings they have grown in to, all now married and with their own children.

I think it’s easy to get swept up in the buying of gifts, the sending of cards, the trying to make the day special that, a bit like other celebrations, the message gets lost. Before I began writing this I did a cursory bit of research and discovered that in 1906 Mothers Day was started by one American woman, who wanted to honour her mother. Prior to that there have been many other kinds of mothers days, celebrated in lots of cultures. So, it’s clear that mothers have always been revered.

Though not every mother will have been as blessed as I was. So many are living very hard lives, with little or no money, violence, drugs, wayward kids. Let’s not forget step-mums, aunties, grandmothers, and even dads who fill the role of mother. These are the people who choose to raise someone else’s child as their own, and deserve to be honoured as well.

Today I just want to say thank you to my Mum, for her unconditional love. She has always been so helpful in so many ways, my love for her is one of awe. Thank you Mum. xoxo

 

I Can Never Say It Enough…

I love him, I appreciate him, I am so very, very grateful for him. Who? Well, my husband, Dean of course. You see it goes like this…

I am not a well woman, I have a number of physical conditions that make working next to impossible. No, don’t feel sorry for me, I don’t. Oh yes, frustrated, annoyed, ticked off, but not sorry. I am who I am, and I’m okay with that. I’m sharing this because my condition also means I can be very difficult to live with. Imagine coming home from work and not knowing what state your spouse is going to be in. My husband knows that feeling all too well. Somedays I can be going well, others I get very little done, and he almost never complains, occasionally, but very rarely.

Recently he asked me how my university work is going, it was just a question in passing, and I got upset with him. I thought he was just interfering, wanting me to do things his way, and in his time. I snapped and told him to stop bothering me about it when he said “I just need to know you’re on top of things so you don’t get behind, because living with you is like a rollercoaster!”.

Well, I burst into tears, apologising for being such a pain in the you know what, blubbering about how I just can’t always keep up, blubbering about how sorry I am for everything.

His response astounded me, he said “It’s a rollercoaster I love, it’s never boring, you are an exciting woman, but I just want to protect you”. Oh! What can I possibly say to that?

You see this is a man who likes to know what’s going on where, and when, and how, and who with, and why. Me, I just do everything on the fly.

We don’t live in a mess or anything, in fact our home is beautiful, and tidy, and orderly, and funnily enough, if it wasn’t it wouldn’t bother him. Me, I can’t stand a messy house, but I can live with a messy life.

It’s interesting, 35 years and there is still so much to know about each other. We have grown closer over the last 6 years since we became so called “empty nesters” (not a phrase I like). We have a warmth between us that many envy, and yet we are always learning about each other.

I can never say it enough, I am grateful for my husband.